So why is it that you get hurt most by the people you mean less to and the people who wouldn't even kill an ant to spare you the hurt are actually the people you try to avoid to have in your life - Or am I the only one going through this?, I have just developed this feeling of hurt, how it creeped in, I actually dont know ( or maybe I know very well and I have let it in) as much as I am trying so hard to ignore it , it looks like it has the upper hand, do I need some divine intervention or I am just totally screwed up, is there's gonna be no help for me????? And then this songs plays on my radio it reminds me of all the people that mean a worth to me and I mean a whole worth to - so I convince myself. Out of all the things I have and wanted so badly in my life, but now that I have them, actually they dont seem to fill in this void, maybe I need therapy, maybe im screwed up a bit because of all the things I went through in my life whilst growing up,you know what, to be honest I DONT KNOW MYSELF!!!!!!!! I am just just trying to find the answers myself, I might not have them and I might have just lost touch with life.You might be going through the same shit I am going through or not - all I know is that now that I have vented I feel better, maybe I can go to sleep now without taking any sleeping pills.
I am actually glad that I have spring cleaned few people who are irrelevant in my life, I am willing to make this change in life starting from today, hoping for a better outcome.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Just because......
Just because I don't ever shed a tear, you foolishy assume , I feel no pain,
Just because I keep on giving, you don't think of giving yourself, you are only happy to keep on recieving,
Just because I keep on reaching out, you take that as a sign of weakness,
Just because there is no bleeding ,you unwittingly think I am not hurting,
Just because I kept walking, it never occurs to you that I also get tired,
Just because I don't complain, you convince yourself I am ok,
Just because I don't confront you or accuse you, you are convinced I dont know, you are convinced, I am blind or plain stupid,
Just because I don't raise my voice, you think that I am scared and helpless,
Just because I have faith in a better tomorrow, you unwisely conclude that I am weak,
Just because my heart stubbonly keeps on beating , you feel I can take more punches,
Just because I keep on smilling, even though deep inside im hurting, doesn't it occur to you that i also have feelings like you?
Why should I be always on the giving end and instead of the recieving side? Am I being too selfish or Am I just being human?
Whatever your take is.......Just because I am able to vent out, it doesn't mean that you should take it as a weakness,,,,
Just because I keep on giving, you don't think of giving yourself, you are only happy to keep on recieving,
Just because I keep on reaching out, you take that as a sign of weakness,
Just because there is no bleeding ,you unwittingly think I am not hurting,
Just because I kept walking, it never occurs to you that I also get tired,
Just because I don't complain, you convince yourself I am ok,
Just because I don't confront you or accuse you, you are convinced I dont know, you are convinced, I am blind or plain stupid,
Just because I don't raise my voice, you think that I am scared and helpless,
Just because I have faith in a better tomorrow, you unwisely conclude that I am weak,
Just because my heart stubbonly keeps on beating , you feel I can take more punches,
Just because I keep on smilling, even though deep inside im hurting, doesn't it occur to you that i also have feelings like you?
Why should I be always on the giving end and instead of the recieving side? Am I being too selfish or Am I just being human?
Whatever your take is.......Just because I am able to vent out, it doesn't mean that you should take it as a weakness,,,,
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Is it the Masses or the Promoters
I was looking forward to the Zarfest, that I even got myself Golden passes to the gig.Then a day before the gig I recieve a funny message from Computicket alerting me that the concert had been cancelled.I first thought it was some one pulling one funny sick joke on me - I call the Zar Empire enquiring about this, but this nerd lady I speak to has no idea (how's that for incompetence?), but then I checked the social media networks and it was indeed true. I was so fustrated in an unimaginable way, the thing is when I tell myself that I am doing or not doing something,then it gotta be just like that "My will shall be done".
Now that my plans were all buggered up by Zarfest's POOR promotion skills - maybe it wasn't entirely the promoters fault - maybe not everyone was fascinated by the list of performers. For the mere fact that all the artist were already in town,makes me wonder what really went down, besides "the poor of sales excuse"- ENOUGH with the maybe's , I still had to make another plan, so there I was booking flight tickets to Jozi and sorting out accomodation.I tell you it was hard work - as I had to do all that in a space of two days, two days I said.
The gig was out of this world, except for Lil Kim's performance and Timbaland's - my advice to Timbo is for him to stick to producing and colabs , because when he is all alone on stage - he is just one huge fag (excuse my grammar) but its true.Ciara is one performer who out did herself I must say, dispite some unpleasant encounters and the cold - it turned out to be one of the dopest show and the company was great too.
Now looking forward to Trey Songz gig - I am anticipating the response from Durban peeps, hope it wont be cancelled, like Timbalands show - but I wouldnt be suprised if its cancelled due to poor advertising, the first and last I heard of it was on the tv show LIVE and then it was it or maybe I'm just being negative, would someone blame me though after the June experience??????. To tell you the truth I am not so exited about the show as I was a few weeks back, maybe its a sign that it's also gonna be bummer, ohh well I will just have to wait and see, twenty eight days and couting down.
While I'm on that count down - I am also looking forward to a performace by a dear friend of mine, known as Ebonygypsy - This Women's Day at the Catalina Theatre, Ebonygypsy Arts presents:
A WOMAN, A HAT, A BAG AND HER BELLY
This event is set to showcase the beauty of women through poetry, music and fashion featuring local hat and handbag designers and Tumelo Khoza, Thando, Six Beats, Davyn, Clint, Seamartist and the Ebonygypsy herself - Legggo and support , here here to WOMAN POWER!!!!!!! you go my lady.
Now that my plans were all buggered up by Zarfest's POOR promotion skills - maybe it wasn't entirely the promoters fault - maybe not everyone was fascinated by the list of performers. For the mere fact that all the artist were already in town,makes me wonder what really went down, besides "the poor of sales excuse"- ENOUGH with the maybe's , I still had to make another plan, so there I was booking flight tickets to Jozi and sorting out accomodation.I tell you it was hard work - as I had to do all that in a space of two days, two days I said.
The gig was out of this world, except for Lil Kim's performance and Timbaland's - my advice to Timbo is for him to stick to producing and colabs , because when he is all alone on stage - he is just one huge fag (excuse my grammar) but its true.Ciara is one performer who out did herself I must say, dispite some unpleasant encounters and the cold - it turned out to be one of the dopest show and the company was great too.
Now looking forward to Trey Songz gig - I am anticipating the response from Durban peeps, hope it wont be cancelled, like Timbalands show - but I wouldnt be suprised if its cancelled due to poor advertising, the first and last I heard of it was on the tv show LIVE and then it was it or maybe I'm just being negative, would someone blame me though after the June experience??????. To tell you the truth I am not so exited about the show as I was a few weeks back, maybe its a sign that it's also gonna be bummer, ohh well I will just have to wait and see, twenty eight days and couting down.
While I'm on that count down - I am also looking forward to a performace by a dear friend of mine, known as Ebonygypsy - This Women's Day at the Catalina Theatre, Ebonygypsy Arts presents:
A WOMAN, A HAT, A BAG AND HER BELLY
Friday, 5 August 2011
My Mentor
The first time I set my eyes on this man, I was moved, inspired and motivated.
He is an "Award Winning Business Man", an author, artist, husband, father to two beautiful daughters, one of them named Swazi, because he is married to a Swati woman and motivational speaker.He has gone on to write a book that celebrates moments and achievements, of dreams that came true. It is yet another story written by a man who has been equally blessed by challenges and breakthroughs. He has an Honours degree in Sociology from UKZN, after graduating he went on to leacture in the Humanities faculty and then to work in the corporate world.
However, his life took a dramatic turn whe he was paralyzed in a car accident in 1995.After the accident he went to work for the Dept. of Transport where he played a big role in the hugely successful "ASIPHEPHE" road safety campaign, which I learned when I met him for the first time that actually the Lengendary Ladysmith Black Mambazo did the song, his name is Musa E Zulu.
My mentor has delivered motivational talks through out South Africa to various business, educational & community institutions over the last 16 years.I salute this man, every word that comes out of his mouth builds something within any individual. So I eventually meet with my mentor, not that it was scheduled, I guess fate was behind it.
I am at the Hilton Hotel, to meet with my aunt for the first time, He is there to pitch a book of his "Celebrating Ladysmith Black Mambazo's 50 years" to Princess MaNtfombi Zulu, wife to King Goodwill Zwelithini.
As he unfolds his plans about this book I get even more inspired, I ask myself - if a man is disabled at 25years, after having been given the liberty to walk and then having it taken away at that age - how does one carry on living, where does one get the courage from to carry on living and have dreams that he had aspired to see them coming into life, I was gazing into thin air, deep down asking myself what is holding me back....
As we celebrate woman's month, he is coordinating a woman's day celebration in honour of twelve disabled women, I am so looking forward to that and the book.
In closing I take my hat off for this man and I celebrate him.
He is an "Award Winning Business Man", an author, artist, husband, father to two beautiful daughters, one of them named Swazi, because he is married to a Swati woman and motivational speaker.He has gone on to write a book that celebrates moments and achievements, of dreams that came true. It is yet another story written by a man who has been equally blessed by challenges and breakthroughs. He has an Honours degree in Sociology from UKZN, after graduating he went on to leacture in the Humanities faculty and then to work in the corporate world.
However, his life took a dramatic turn whe he was paralyzed in a car accident in 1995.After the accident he went to work for the Dept. of Transport where he played a big role in the hugely successful "ASIPHEPHE" road safety campaign, which I learned when I met him for the first time that actually the Lengendary Ladysmith Black Mambazo did the song, his name is Musa E Zulu.
My mentor has delivered motivational talks through out South Africa to various business, educational & community institutions over the last 16 years.I salute this man, every word that comes out of his mouth builds something within any individual. So I eventually meet with my mentor, not that it was scheduled, I guess fate was behind it.
I am at the Hilton Hotel, to meet with my aunt for the first time, He is there to pitch a book of his "Celebrating Ladysmith Black Mambazo's 50 years" to Princess MaNtfombi Zulu, wife to King Goodwill Zwelithini.
As he unfolds his plans about this book I get even more inspired, I ask myself - if a man is disabled at 25years, after having been given the liberty to walk and then having it taken away at that age - how does one carry on living, where does one get the courage from to carry on living and have dreams that he had aspired to see them coming into life, I was gazing into thin air, deep down asking myself what is holding me back....
As we celebrate woman's month, he is coordinating a woman's day celebration in honour of twelve disabled women, I am so looking forward to that and the book.
In closing I take my hat off for this man and I celebrate him.
Monday, 1 August 2011
Being Selfish and staying content with oneself
I have grown this no nonsense attitude towards a whole lot of things, call me pyscho or what - it really won't make a difference.
Let me just be frank, if you dont know what I eat before I went to bed - I really dont have to explain myself to you ar worry what some one else is thinking or what they saying about me, in a nutshell , it ain't really my problem. I know that there is this thing people call karma, maybe it be karma or what - all I know is that no weapon formed against me - by a human being is going to prosper. Maybe it's because I know my grounds and stand on them, that is why there is hardly ever a time that I worry about "what ifs". It is either meant to happen to teach me some good or it could be the universe trying to make me deal with stuff in a different way.
I want to do away with people that bring negative energies to me, I have just had enough of people abusing my soft hearted part - yep I am "soft-hearted" as a put on personality though - so said a so-called friend of mine.
There are instances where I would be like, what happened to that naive, reserved girl that i used to be - but then I say it's alright - I am happy and very content with myself.
Let me just be frank, if you dont know what I eat before I went to bed - I really dont have to explain myself to you ar worry what some one else is thinking or what they saying about me, in a nutshell , it ain't really my problem. I know that there is this thing people call karma, maybe it be karma or what - all I know is that no weapon formed against me - by a human being is going to prosper. Maybe it's because I know my grounds and stand on them, that is why there is hardly ever a time that I worry about "what ifs". It is either meant to happen to teach me some good or it could be the universe trying to make me deal with stuff in a different way.
I want to do away with people that bring negative energies to me, I have just had enough of people abusing my soft hearted part - yep I am "soft-hearted" as a put on personality though - so said a so-called friend of mine.
There are instances where I would be like, what happened to that naive, reserved girl that i used to be - but then I say it's alright - I am happy and very content with myself.
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Why?
Often I ask myself why? But does it really matter or I am just being silly and worrying about almost everything? When things happens in our daily life, we as human nature try as hard as we can to find reason in everything. My mind was at battle a few hours earlier - I was asking myself whether to do a particular thing or not to do, deep down or at the back of my head i had the answers and I knew very well what I had to do. Then a friend of mine said - "TO DO - U ONLY LIVE ONCE".
It was then that my heart decided to get involved, it occured to me that even if i go ahead and do the deed, my conscience on the other hand would have tried to convince me otherwise.
Here I am now, while letting all of these out at this particular place, I know I am not supposed to be at - but why I did it - was it the inner little creature in me that wanted to be selfish, in any other case, I let this devil to control me once again. Although I have tried so many times to fight it,but it looks like it's got the upper hand. Only that inner creature within me and my creator knows WHY?
The last question that I have is - Until WHEN? will I let this power control me, because I know very well that I should spend less time worrying about what lies at the end of a religious journey ,when its the path itself that I am on that's important.
I might have made the wrong choices and decisions, but those were mine to make and to learn from them.
Now that I have offloaded, hope when you go through this - you will Identify something that has meaning in your well being and maybe teach me some thing aswell.
It was then that my heart decided to get involved, it occured to me that even if i go ahead and do the deed, my conscience on the other hand would have tried to convince me otherwise.
Here I am now, while letting all of these out at this particular place, I know I am not supposed to be at - but why I did it - was it the inner little creature in me that wanted to be selfish, in any other case, I let this devil to control me once again. Although I have tried so many times to fight it,but it looks like it's got the upper hand. Only that inner creature within me and my creator knows WHY?
The last question that I have is - Until WHEN? will I let this power control me, because I know very well that I should spend less time worrying about what lies at the end of a religious journey ,when its the path itself that I am on that's important.
I might have made the wrong choices and decisions, but those were mine to make and to learn from them.
Now that I have offloaded, hope when you go through this - you will Identify something that has meaning in your well being and maybe teach me some thing aswell.
You alone you are ENOUGH!!!!
So this is it, i will start by sharing about this Phenomenal Women, that is me.
Soapy, Cranky or however you want to put it - this is me.
I have taken sometime to get in touch with the pressure/challenge i feel as a woman, it doesn't matter what kind of an environment i am in, if you are a woman - you are bound to experience it.
"I remember all those times and places - home, work, socially, alone - so you know I am a loner by birth that i felt all the pressure/challenge'', but its all determined by my behaviour. It all comes down to how i think, feel, speak , behave towards whatever i happen to come across, am i capable of turning around negativity to something that will not bring me down, or do i just believe that i dont have important things that i should be focusing on?
Yet again - its in my identity to be a rock - isn't that what all women grow up believing in? ohh well correct me if i am wrong, but i have learnt to step back beyond that identity and intergrate, what is this vision i am pursuing? what is my mission? what is my purpose? who/what else am i saving now? what was i designed to do as a strong young black woman? Mostly - "How will 'me doing me' make a difference in the world and i realised - i owe the world nothing, nothing is worth all that energy, i may be weak, but there is this place within me that i draw strength from and i realise that in actual fact I AM POWERFUL.
There is just still one question left - maybe the universe will answer me one day - "How does knowing what i know from 'Beyond, Identity, Beliefs and Capabilities change and enhance my Behaviour?"
Soapy, Cranky or however you want to put it - this is me.
I have taken sometime to get in touch with the pressure/challenge i feel as a woman, it doesn't matter what kind of an environment i am in, if you are a woman - you are bound to experience it.
"I remember all those times and places - home, work, socially, alone - so you know I am a loner by birth that i felt all the pressure/challenge'', but its all determined by my behaviour. It all comes down to how i think, feel, speak , behave towards whatever i happen to come across, am i capable of turning around negativity to something that will not bring me down, or do i just believe that i dont have important things that i should be focusing on?
Yet again - its in my identity to be a rock - isn't that what all women grow up believing in? ohh well correct me if i am wrong, but i have learnt to step back beyond that identity and intergrate, what is this vision i am pursuing? what is my mission? what is my purpose? who/what else am i saving now? what was i designed to do as a strong young black woman? Mostly - "How will 'me doing me' make a difference in the world and i realised - i owe the world nothing, nothing is worth all that energy, i may be weak, but there is this place within me that i draw strength from and i realise that in actual fact I AM POWERFUL.
There is just still one question left - maybe the universe will answer me one day - "How does knowing what i know from 'Beyond, Identity, Beliefs and Capabilities change and enhance my Behaviour?"
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